Introduction to Domestic Violence

Cheyenne Rodriguez is a dating and relationship coach. She started coaching in 2017 after having three kids by two different fathers and still remaining single. She felt like she had failed at relationships and was determined to break the cycle! All she wanted was to be happy and to give her children an example of a healthy relationship. She dove headfirst into coaching, studying everything there was to learn! After meeting her fiance less than 90 days later, she now helps women find their soulmate in 90 days or less — and teaches them how to KEEP them by dating forever — in her eBook, “Single to Soulmate in 90 Days!”

Welcome to the Community Education Series, hosted by The Recovery Village and Advanced Recovery Systems.

Today I will be presenting an introduction to domestic violence, and my name is Cheyenne Rodriguez. A little bit about me — I’m a relationship coach, and I’m a dating and relationship coach. I started coaching in 2017 after having three kids by two different fathers and was still single. I felt like I had failed at relationships, and I was determined to break the cycle. All I wanted to do was to be happy and give my children an example of a healthy relationship. I dove headfirst into coaching, and I ended up meeting my fiance less than 90 days later. Now, I help other women find their soulmates through my book, “Single to Soulmate in 90 days,” at BlushingLove.com.

In this introduction to domestic violence, I’m going to define what domestic violence is, the dangers and some statistics behind domestic violence. And we’re going to talk about how you can prevent domestic violence in your relationship. Again, really quickly to get an introduction, my story is that I started in 2017 relationship coaching. I ended up meeting my soulmate less than 90 days later, and now I help women, but my story wasn’t always that easy. My abuse stories started at home at the age of 14, when I was being physically abused by my older brother. He would beat me up, scream and yell at me, make threats towards me. And as a teenager, I carried that with me into my relationships and continued being abused. That included being punched, being thrown across the room, dragged, even having a gun to my head at one point. And at age 20, I ended up meeting my son’s father, who was physically abusive towards me. He would choke me, push me to the ground, stand over me, scream and yell, damage our property, rip my clothing, punch holes in the walls, slash holes in my tires, even breaking our front door at one point. He would try to control me and prevent me from seeing my family. He even threatened suicide and even threatened to kill both of us.

At age 24, my daughter’s father was mentally abusive and he would call me names, put me down, degrade me. After we had separated, he started harassing me, stalking me, harassing my friends and my family, even my colleagues, and posting inappropriate photos of me on social media that my family ended up seeing. Also, he threatened to take my children away. That was one of the most stressful times of my life — like, knowing that my children were in danger. You can see that over the years, I had dealt with so much pain from abuse in my relationships — that I was very determined to end that cycle, and I just could not go through that again. I ended up meeting a very high-value, commitment-minded man. My life is very different now.

Now, I want to talk about what is domestic violence and really define the different types of violence. Domestic violence can be physical abuse. It can include hitting, punching, pushing, grabbing, choking, strangling, throwing or dragging, even sexual assault and rape in a relationship. Even though you are in a relationship, rape can still be involved. Another side of domestic violence is the mental or emotional abuse, which I think is not talked about as often. But that can include making threats, yelling and screaming, name calling, criticizing and blaming. Any speech, really, that is degrading, condescending or demeaning, so it doesn’t have to be raising your voice to it. You can say these things in a calm voice, but they can still be very abusive. Another point I wanted to mention was that a lot of the physical abuse that I had experienced in my past, I can kind of laugh off now because I’ve healed from it. But a lot of the mental or emotional abuse kind of lasts longer. It’s really important to remember the effects that mental or emotional abuse can have.

Some statistics of domestic violence: The World Health Organization estimates that 35% of women experience physical and or sexual abuse in their lifetime. That’s more than one out of every three women. That means that this can be your sister, your daughter, even your best friend or mother. According to the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime, an average of 137 women around the world are killed each day by a domestic partner. I actually had an encounter with a police officer who came to my apartment and was surprised to see me. She actually pulled me aside and let me know that she was surprised to see me alive. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, there are more than 20,000 calls made to a domestic violence hotline every day.

These statistics are alarming because, according to the World Health Organization, more than 50% of physically abused women have never sought help from formal services or authorities. Some of the dangers and effects of domestic violence: According to the World Health Organization, women who are exposed to violence with a partner are at a two-times higher risk of depression than women who are not affected by domestic violence, including depression, PTSD, injury, death and so much more. Children and families where domestic violence is prevalent can become familiar with violence, creating a false sense of safety. I think that from experiencing abuse at a young age at home, that kind of familiarized myself with the abuse so that when I was in relationships that were abusive, I didn’t see the dangers. I didn’t see the danger of what I was getting into because it was familiar. It’s important to teach our children that domestic violence and abuse is not normal so that they don’t end up abusing or being abused in relationships in their future. That can include getting rid of any negative speech that you have in your household. That’s because the violence creates physical and mental scars that last forever.

How to prevent domestic violence: Self-control is the biggest part of preventing domestic violence. That means not responding to negative comments or behavior. This can be hard, and this is probably the hardest part of preventing domestic violence — it’s self-control and remembering that you are responsible for your own actions and your own happiness, and there is never an excuse for violent behavior. How do you do this? How do you create self-control? The first part is healing and doing anything that you need to do to be okay and to heal from your wounds — from your physical and from your mental wounds from your past. Gaining your independence out of love in your relationship. This is going to take practice because in a lot of abusive relationships, partners can be very controlling. You don’t want to be independent, coming from a place where you’re like, “I don’t need you.” You want to do it from a place of love, where you know that you’re not afraid to be alone, and if that relationship were to end, that you would be okay.

Forgiveness is a big one — remembering that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. That means that you’re not going to be seeking revenge or holding resentment for something that someone did to you. This doesn’t mean that what they did was okay; it just means that you’re not holding resentment. You’re not gonna seek revenge for that person, and you’re basically ending the cycle of violence in your relationship. One way that you can do this is by kind of taking a step back and looking at the big picture and thinking about what really matters — what’s really important in your relationship. Kind of letting go of the little things — the little comments here and there — letting those go and kind of looking at what’s really important in your relationship and looking towards the future.

One part of preventing domestic violence is setting boundaries, and setting those healthy boundaries in your relationships and actually understanding what boundaries are. Boundaries have a misconception of being, like, everything that you don’t like in a partner. Most people think that boundaries are expectations of what you expect your partner to behave like, but really, boundaries are really the absolute limit of what you will put up with in a relationship. This means that whenever your partner is doing something that you don’t like, remembering that you can’t control that person — you can only control yourself. And really being able to say no, walking away, creating space or taking time apart from that person once your safety is at risk. Once their behavior starts to affect you, that’s when you set a boundary. You walk away or say no, or take some time or whatever you need to do so that your safety and your wellbeing is okay, that you’re okay and you’re taking care of yourself.

If you are a friend or a family member and you are wanting to help a loved one that is being affected by domestic violence, the most important thing for you to do is just to be supportive and not judgmental towards that person. That can include just listening to them and being there for them, offering assistance. You can offer to babysit or even provide a meal for them. Don’t give advice — give information. So, you can ask them if they have a plan or help them to develop a safety plan and really understand why some women don’t leave their relationship — that will help you to not be judgmental. Some reasons can be that they are ashamed of what they’re going through and they don’t want to tell anyone; they’re afraid of what other people will think. Their family or friends are experiencing financial hardships, so they don’t have the money to just go and find another place or go stay in a hotel, and they don’t want to put a burden on another family member. They hope things will get better. They don’t want to break up their family, they want their children to have both parents or they’re afraid that things will get worse if they report the abuse.

Whenever your safety is at risk, it’s always important to seek professional help. The Recovery Village and Advanced Recovery Systems can help with domestic violence. They can help you develop a safety plan. Also, domestic violence hotlines can help abusive partners, so they can help your partner take the first steps that are needed to change for the better. That can be going into rehab for drugs or alcohol. It’s very important to remember to seek professional help whenever your safety is at risk and not to be afraid to do that, because some women might think that those facilities want to separate their family. Really, they just want what’s best for you. It’s important to remember that they just want to help and do what’s best for your safety and for your family.

I wanted to mention a future Community Education Series that I’m going to be doing live on October 27, where I’ll actually go into more of the science behind domestic violence and brain development. Why younger women stay in relationships that are violent longer, the science behind attraction and why our feelings of attraction are so strong towards different partners. You can register for that live Zoom on October 27 through the Zoom link. And if you want to connect with me in the future, my website is BlushingLove.com. I also have a free guide to becoming a high-value woman, and you can grab my ebook “Single to Soulmate in 90 Days” on my website or follow me on YouTube at Blushing Love.

Thank you for watching this video. We hope you enjoyed the presentation.